Like It Is
At a funeral, a man is spinning yarns about the many funerals he’s attended. There’s the one about the helicopter, the FAA, and a misinformed truant officer. The night the organist went rogue. That time a gun moll with a book deal made a mess of things.
Now, the man’s telling the one about the three women — sisters, the man believes — who approached the widow of this guy they were having a service for.
The three sisters asked the widow if they, the three of them, could go up to the casket — “it’s open, mind you,” the man says — and sing to the deceased.
“That’s sing to him as in sing right into the coffin,” the man says, sliding into the characters’ voices.
“What song?” the widow asks.
“‘Had You Told It Like It Was It Wouldn’t Be Like It Is, Oh No — Not Like It Is’ by The Rationals,” the sisters say.
“Okay,” the widow says.
Like a Bird
I’m in Monterrey, Mexico, to write a story about a company that’s in the process of “reimagining” itself. A young woman is driving me to my next interview.
She tells me she’s being groomed to be the first woman engineer in this company’s history. She keeps her eyes on the road, driving into the silver-gray day in this steel-belted-radial city.
She turns on the radio. A Nelly Furtado song is playing and the engineer-to-be hums along.
The sun peeks out from behind the silver-gray and the engineer-to-be starts to sing, softly, stopping when Furtado reaches the chorus:
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is
I don’t know where my home is
“Almost there,” she says, her eyes on the road.
At dusk, a bunch of us went to the local ghost town. We packed up our things and took the dirt road as far as we could take it.
When we got there, we saw broken houses with broken windows. A broken car on the side of the road. A broken weather vane. Broken glass broken flowers broken sky. We saw a man who was broken, too.
“Is this the ghost town?” we asked.
“This is the sundown town,” the man said, frowning at a broken dog. “The ghost town’s south of here, a couple towns over.”
We took our things and headed south.
A Tapered Thread
I had long hair, the longest in school, and my Mom took me to the barber for what I thought would be a trim.
Want it tapered? the barber asked. I didn’t know what “tapered” meant and I wasn’t good at talking to people and I panicked — Okay? I said — and he started tapering. Soon, my hair in the back was tapered, razored, gone.
I slid down from the chair and zombied over to where Mom was waiting. That looks … nice. You okay?
I put on my Oakland A’s cap, pulled it down as far as it would go, ran to the car and skidded into the front passenger seat.
On the way home, I tried to focus on the guard rails and the mile markers and the red-wing blackbirds, but I saw a reflection of my face, no longer framed with a longer-than-a-mop-top mop of hair, in the window: This is me? I touched the razor tingle on the back of my neck.
The Certainty Promise
I opened an email. It was a press release. Something about a company rolling out a new brand identity.
“We now deliver integrated solutions that ensure certainty of outcome,” the company’s executives said in the prepared statement.
The executives said they were excited about the new direction and the new opportunities on the new horizon, adding they were proud of the new position the company would hold in the firmament of new brand identities.
“We know who we are, and we are prepared to deliver on the certainty promise,” the executives said. “We’ve never been more filled with wonder and never been more certain that there’s a crying, desperate, yip-yip-yipping need for all we provide for our clients, who conduct themselves honorably, invariably and with a sense of style across four continents, 17 countries, nine military outposts, six unincorporated townships, three dead-letter offices and one polar ice cap. They toil in an array of market sectors, including search engine optimization services, off-the-power-grid energy consulting and innovative bowling alley solutions for this brave new world.”
If We Were Okay
I answered the phone. It was my Grandmother. Arthur? Arthur? she said, no she didn’t say it she screamed it. Arthur is my Dad. I gave the phone to my Dad.
Something had happened to my Grandfather. My Dad left in a hurry to go to my grandparents’ apartment.
Everybody said my Dad took after my Grandfather. Everybody said I took after my Dad. I didn’t think my Dad took after my Grandfather, but I wasn’t sure.
A couple hours later, the phone rang. Mom answered. Dad told her my Grandfather had died.
That night, my Dad poked his head into the bedroom I shared with my younger brother. He said he’d been worried about us. He asked if we were okay. We’re okay, I said.
I didn’t ask him if he was okay and I didn’t know if I took after my Dad. I thought about why I didn’t ask him and I thought about other things.
Hurricane in a Pimp Glass
The man had chained himself to a beam in the nearly torn down Isaac Hayes Night Club & Restaurant in Memphis.
“This man won’t leave,” the building inspector said.
“This man has to leave,” the wrecking crew foreman said.
“This man is going to leave and he’s going to leave now,” the policewoman said.
The man had done a good job chaining himself to that beam.
“Care to explain this?” the policewoman asked.
The man said he’d had a first date here, the first with his future fiancé. Here, they sampled Isaac’s herb-roasted chicken, tasted the sweet potato pudding, and shared a hurricane cocktail in a Pimp Glass.
“We used the same straw,” the man said. “It was the happiest night of my life.”
“For your wife, too?” the policewoman asked.
“The two never married,” the man said.
“Gladys despises me — ‘Fuck you and everybody who looks like you’ is what she tells me every chance she gets,” the man said. “But for a moment there, a moment here… ”
Probably Possibly Maybe
I started to write a letter I was sure I’d probably possibly send to you. Probably possibly maybe.
I started the letter this way: I don’t know how to love you but I do. As in: I do love you, but I don’t know how to love you.
I’m aware I was confusing the lyrics of two songs: “I Don’t Know Why I Love You, But I Do” by Clarence Frogman Henry and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him,” the version Yvonne Elliman sings. Not unlike if I were mixing metaphors. Which I do, I know I do that. I know I do it a lot.
And, yes, I took the “why” out of one of the titles and put in “how,” even though that really doesn’t work, either. But it’s absolutely not about why it’s never been about why it’s never ever about why. Yes, I could give you a list or something, but that wouldn’t tell you why.
Why and how and probably and possibly and maybe and I don’t know. I never thought I’d come to this. That we would. That it would. “What’s it all about?” Sing it, Yvonne. Sing it pretty.
Mistakes Made Interesting
A musician talks about a mistake she’d made.
“One time during a session, I played the wrong chord,” she says. “This other musician played some notes that somehow corrected my mistake. She made things right. To her, my mistake was interesting.”
“As long as the chord resolved,” one of the musician’s students says.
“As long as it was interesting,” another student says.
If It Could
We named our city If It Could and we talked about it on Effin’ Twitter.
We said: Our city is high enough to make fun of the Damn Yankees’ song “High Enough” without us worrying about hurting anybody’s feelings. It’s wide enough to preclude ogling. Deep enough to welcome neo-Panamax ships.
We said: We’re a city of prayers. We pray for things. Sometimes we see ourselves praying for things in a booth at the Pizza Hut down by the cove. Or in a glass bottom boat in a sea of green. Or at the bottom of the sea.
We said: We try to do things in If It Could, we really do try, and sometimes we can’t get them done. Maybe it’s because we can’t make sense of things. Not always and not right away. Not in this city. But we believe we can.
Pat Foran is a writer in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States. His work has appeared in Milk Candy Review, Little Fiction, WhiskeyPaper, Anti-Heroin Chic, and elsewhere. Find him on Twitter at @pdforan.