The Lesbian’s Guide to Making a Baby by Jax Cassidy

1. Make sure you and your wife are in a comfortable position.

You both love each other and are ready to start your family. But keep in mind, having a child is a big step, one you both should be ready for. It won’t be easy, but it will be rewarding in the end. You’ll not only need to be financially stable enough to afford the expenses that come with a baby (formula, baby clothes, crib, car seat, etc.), but since neither of you are biologically male, you also must find alternative methods of conception that will come at a cost. Luckily, this method is the least invasive and the least expensive. We’re honored that you’ve chosen us for this special moment.

2. Decide on the sex of the baby. Set the temperature accordingly.

Of course, you won’t impose traditional gender roles on your future child. You’ve already discussed this with your wife. You will love your child no matter their orientation or gender identity. However, this method of conception requires a “starting point,” if you will. For a boy, set the thermostat to 60° Fahrenheit. For a girl set it to 88° Fahrenheit.

3. Open the seed packet included with the BabyGroTM  Starting Kit. Plant the seed 12 cm in the soil.

Plant your seed in a ten-inch terracotta flowerpot and keep indoors for best results. Keep in front of an east-facing window, in direct sunlight. If your windows do not face east or let in sunlight, we recommend purchasing a solar lamp. Light bulbs are available on our website, lamp not included.  Make sure you bury your seed deep enough into the soil for your baby to grow to a healthy size. After two weeks, you should start to notice a sprout. If no sprout appears after two weeks, call our Parental Support Line at 555-BABYGRO.

Note: If you requested our Twins Pack, we recommend planting both seeds in the same pot to emulate the bond that twins form in the womb. The flowerpot must be at least twenty inches wide, double the size recommended for the Only Child Pack.

4. Combine eight fluid ounces of water with the included packet of BabyGroTM Fertilizer. Water daily.

It is imperative that you water your baby every day. Water acts as their daily nourishment, much like how nutrients are passed from mother to child in the womb. Mix one teaspoon of BabyGroTM  Fertilizer with one cup of water to help your baby develop healthily. For best results, water around midday, when the sun is at its highest.

Nourishment for your baby can also come in the form of love and care. Even though your baby is still growing in the soil, they can hear you. Sing to your baby. Read to your baby. Play classical music, preferably Mozart’s Eine kleine Nachtmusik, for your baby. Refrain from cursing or using foul language around your baby.

5. Perform the Full Moon Ritual.

Make note of what phase the moon is in when you plant your seed. When the cycle reaches the Full Moon, bring your baby outside when the moon is at its highest point in the sky. You and your wife must both participate. Greet the Moon Goddess. Tell her your names. Recite the prayer included on page four of this manual. Raise your baby to the sky. Ask the Moon Goddess for her blessing in the birth of your child. If she chooses to bestow her blessing, silver light will shine down on your baby. This means you can expect a healthy birth within five to seven days. Thank the Moon Goddess. Leave an offering in the form of menstrual blood.

6. Prepare for the birth of your baby.

The time has come. Congratulations! You and your wife will make wonderful parents. Once your baby has flowered, pull your baby out of the soil by its stem. This will not hurt your baby. As soon as the baby has emerged from the soil, she will begin to cry. Cradle the baby. Wipe off the excess dirt from her skin. You will notice the flower sprouting from your baby’s head. Trim the flower and replant it, then bring it outside as a sign to the Moon Goddess that the ritual was successful.

Your baby will not resemble or act like biologically born babies. Do not be alarmed. Your baby is just as human as the rest of them. You will notice the greenish tint to her skin. This should fade within the first two months. Feed your baby as you would any other baby, starting with formula, then moving to baby food. You may notice an affinity for plant-based foods as she gets older. Your child will accelerate in growth and development faster than normal babies. By age three, she will have the ability to read and form full sentences. You will refer to her as “gifted.” Your child will prefer to spend her time outdoors. Embrace her wild side. Let her get dirty. She will find comfort in the same environment she was grown in.

When your child inevitably asks you where she came from, or why she is different, you will tell her, “You came from wishes and prayer. You came from water and sunshine, from the earth and the moon, as do all beautiful things.”

 

Jax Cassidy is a queer writer living in New Orleans. They recently obtained their MFA in Fiction from the University of New Orleans Creative Writing Workshop. In 2019, they received their BA in Creative Writing from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Their work has been previously published in Sonder Midwest and Metafore Magazine, and was a finalist in the River Styx Microfiction Contest.

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